10.20 : polyamory
Perhaps one of the things that most informs my personal life (completely disregarding the influence it has on my work) is my commitment to the concept of polyamory.
As a younger teenager (o, the days!) I found I was, at times, upset at the limitations imposed upon me and my friends/parents/siblings/strangers in the traditionally embedded cultural notions of monogamy. Yes, of course, it has its positive aspects; you certainly aren’t spreading disease or breaking a string of hearts on your way through life, but you are limiting your own … knowledge of people. There is a certain intensity and intersubjectivity that comes from even the most trivial of physical intimacies, and I personally find it impossible to ignore these possibilities.
I spent many years unhappy, because my desires didn’t fall within common constraints of pathologized sexual discourse (see The History of Sexuality by Michel Foucault and/or The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt for er, additional deconstruction); in essence, I hadn’t found a mode of relationship that worked for me.
I began to date a man who was interested in the concept and, later on into the relationship, starting dating (as well as sexing) someone else concurrently.
The unfortunate part of the story is that I went slightly to pieces about the whole thing; upon further, better-visioned hindsight, I realized that at the time I still hadn’t broken free of a certain thread of Mormon discourse in my head. Going through the experience made me see that, although I was overwhelmed by a pretty immature jealousy, his other sexual relationship didn’t influence ours at all; we still had good times chilling out and taking walks, we still stimulated each other intellectually, and we still had mindblowing sex. The only issue was mine.
This was something I reflected on often after the relationship; I eventually came to the conclusion that I would commit myself to further exploration of this mode.
I’m a successfully practicing polyamorist now; I won’t bore you with the details. I believe strongly in it, though, which is a strange thing to acknowledge; it’s been a loooong while since I’ve placed even a toe on a soapbox about anything!
common myths about polyamory
a really excellent article on polyamory & its roots
Ok, end.
ps – Yes it is totally ironic that I’ve ended up a polyamorist coming from Mormons.
this is an interesting subject that doesn’t get a lot of exposure. i’m in total favor of an alternative to monogamy, but i wonder, isn’t it hard enough maintaining a single, two-person relationship? i’d be interested to hear the “boring details” of the everyday workings of a poly-amorous relationship — the ups and downs, the highs and lows, what “works” and what doesn’t.